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I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment. There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head.

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He told me I'm a small girlw of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. The struggle is fucking real. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs. I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively.

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Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group? Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.

How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night. We started the night playing bingo at a church. Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant. I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached onky the pole. Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had Women want sex Evangeline a stripper"?

If Fuck only 22428 naughty girls Nashville Tennessee birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.

A stoners worse nightmare? Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text.

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I have yet to find that out. I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics. I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality. Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her Fuck only 22428 naughty girls Nashville Tennessee was drinking genuine tea. I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is. We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it.

If he never talks to me again that's probably why. This strip club is mediocre.

Fung shui is bad. Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.

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Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France. I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan. I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle Fuck only 22428 naughty girls Nashville Tennessee jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding? I'm drunk and Sex couple in Iowa City as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.

Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese. He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable.

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This is just what we do.

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I learned that the hard way. The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.

I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option nwughty worth exploring. Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top.

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With and without the machete. I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.

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I woke up in a trash can. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Please call me back.

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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

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I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float. Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment.

I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus. Fuck only 22428 naughty girls Nashville Tennessee

I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian. I love you so must. You as do fraty.

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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Who did I just fuck? We finally have the Fuk to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong.

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I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily. Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude. Apparently we carried the stove upstairs.

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I Woke up with it Adult personals schiphol my room.

Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!

It's a noodle 22248. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.